I’ve lost too many different people in my life because of different reasons like changing schools, going to different secondary schools, live too far apart, quarrels or simply because I chose to walk away to make things easier. Well, that just cause me to hold on even harder when other people come by. And everytime those people who just came by have to leave, I fall even harder than before. I hurt more than before. Then I heal and everything just starts all over again. Sometimes, as I heal, I remember those people that’d left, and I thanked God for letting them come into my life and leaving behind memories. Sometimes, as I heal, I try to think of ways to treat them better so we could have more time together. Then, I end up trying too hard and they left again.
I know I have to try to not hold on tightly, not depend on others too much, not be so sensitive, not be so emotional, not care so much, not think so much and a lot, a lot of other stuffs. But it’d take time, a very long period of time, for I’ll have to learn as I get hurt.
Sometimes when I know I’m getting hurt, I try to pretend, I try to protect myself and tell myself that I won’t give a damn. But I end up crying to myself, alone, at night. Because I realise it just hurt so much more when all the feelings surface all together at one time after keeping them inside me. And that pretending to not care is just a temporary method for me to be strong and not break down in front of other people. In another words, save my face.
It’s just not possible to know another’s feelings completely. You’re never that person, you’ll never experience the same thing, you’ll never see things that way I see it. So it’s quite impossible for me to see it in your perspectives, because the different encounters of your life make you see it that way, and mine made me see it this way. If you want me to see it in your way, you have to tell me what you see. You don’t leave me hanging and expect me to wander my way out and see it by myself because it’s not quite possible. I still see things my way.
I have many things to learn, and you too.
-cookiesandfrappe
